All About Malfoys
by Sanglante Melodie
Summary: He knew he shouldn't have gotten involved with any of them. Fic for Totenveloren1's writing contest on Kofk.


**AN:** I apologize for all the mistakes I made and I own nothing.

* * *

If he could have redone his life, he would never have gotten involved with the Malfoys. Each one of them is crazier than the last. Severus Snape could only bemoan his fate as he recalled how they deeply rooted themselves in his life. They were like weeds, not going away no matter how hard he tried. He should have known better.

* * *

_A Malfoy must always be composed no matter the situation._

"Severus!" Lucius Abraxas Malfoy shouted at the retreating back of one Severus Snape. "You must help me! They can't do this! Not to me!" Lucius stomped his feet and continued screaming. All resemblance of calm was gone now as the Malfoy heir threw his tantrum.

With a long sigh, Severus massaged the bridge of his nose, trying to ward off the in-coming headache. He knew that the Malfoy was trouble when he met him. He should have totally listened to his instinct and never befriend the blonde wizard.

"They can and they did." He told the other Slytherin. Snape was not one to play babysitter.

"I will not allow it! I will not marry to a Black! My parents cannot make me! Have you seen Bellatrix? She had no manners!" Lucius complained.

"What about Narcissa Black?" Snape threw out the name of the other Black daughter. Who was decent-looking if he remembered correctly. And blonde too. Later, he would regret his words.

Lucius paused and thought that over. After a moment, he nodded decisively. "Yes, she will do."

Snape sighed in relief and moved to leave the room but Malfoy stopped him again.

"Wait! I still need your help?"

"To do what?"

"Court Narcissa Black of course."

Back then, Severus should have said no.

* * *

_A Malfoy must always be impeccably dressed. _

Severus watched in horror Lucius walked out of their dorms wearing something that made him resemble a gaudy peacock. The book that he was reading fell to the floor from his slack fingers.

"What are you wearing?" He gasped through his shock.

"Something to impress the fair lady of course. The shop assistant said that this outfit is bound to give a lasting impression." Lucius replied.

"An unforgettable impression indeed," Severus choked out. His body trembled as he tried to suppress his laughter. He got up from his seat and dragged Lucius back into his dorm. "Let's get you into something presentable."

It took two hours and a whole parade of outfits before Malfoy was cleared to leave his room. As the blond wizard sauntered out of the door, Severus could only shake his head. He had a really bad feeling about this.

* * *

_A Malfoy must always be in control._

The first meeting between Malfoy and Malfoy's-bride-to-be was pretty anti-climatic. Malfoy went directly into the Slytherin House's common room and asked Narcissa to take a walk with him, turning on all his pure-blood charms on her. She gave him a look but agree to follow him. They went all the way to the Black Lake where Malfoy was planning to say his proposal. The prepared speech turned out to be useless.

Before Lucius could even open his mouth, Narcissa raked him a look from head to toe and simply declared:

"You will do."

Lucius did his best impression of a fish out of water.

"What?" Narcissa asked. "Didn't you ask me here to talk about the marriage?"

Lucius could only nod mutely.

"Well, I am accepting your offer now. About time."

Lucius finally found his voice. "How…?"

"Because I am the only one suitable of course. It's hard work to be Lady Malfoy. My sisters are simply not up to part." Narcissa replied.

Lucius stared wild eyed at her. She laughed.

"Looks like I made a good decision too. My future husband is simply struck speechless by me." She grinned. "Don't worry. You don't need to talk much anyways. My mother will contact yours to set the date of the wedding." With her head held high, she left the stunned wizard.

Snape came out of the hiding and looked at Lucius and sighed. He pulled the wizard back to the school. What could he say? It seemed that Malfoys and would-be-Malfoys were all made from the same cloth. In the privacy of his own dorm, he would rant to the gods. What have he done to deserve such company?

* * *

_A Malfoy must not display his emotions in public._

The gods, Severus decided, must hate him.

A. His shoes were pinching his feet.

B. His cauldron needed a wash but he had no time to do it.

C. He just ruined another of his potions.

D. He spilled a vial of perfectly good potion ingredients.

E. The room was way too hot.

F. The noise level in the room was going overboard.

G. He couldn't find the snake scales he wanted.

Conclusion this is all Malfoy's fault.

The subject of his ire was currently screaming his throat raw as he ran around like headless chicken. The blond hair was wild and the silver eyes wide in panic. The pure-blood was surprisingly acrobatic as he jumped around furniture. Snape only poured himself a cup of tea and sat down on a couch.

"What should I do? What should I do? What should I do? What should I do? What should I do? What should I do? What should I do? What…"

Severus tuned out the panicked ranting of Malfoy. He was forced to sit up and take notice when Lucius planted himself right in from of the potion master.

"What should I do?" He screamed into the black-haired wizard's face.

Snape shook his head to get rid of the ringing in his ears. Merlin, Lucius sure could scream. "How about starting with taking a seat and calm down?"

Lucius did as he said only to jump up again moments later. "How can I be calm! Narcissa is giving birth to be child!"

"Well it doesn't make the process go any faster if you run around."

"I am going to have an heir! I just can't wrap my head around that!" Lucius said with wonder, surprise, and fear.

"You should have wrapped your head around it nine month earlier." Snape commented dryly.

"Nine month's not enough! I need more time!" Lucius shouted. He started to prance again.

Severus sighed. "You don't have more time. The baby is coming and he is coming _now_."

Lucius stopped at looked at him like he had grown another head. "Now?"

"Now."

A scream echoed in the room as Lord Malfoy was once again running around the room. Only this time he headed for the birthing chamber. Severus pulled out his wand and stunned the blond Lord.

Ah, silence.

He sent a last look at the unconscious Malfoy and tipped the content of his cup into his mouth. Now then. He had a potion to brew. He got up to go to the flow before stopping to look back at the blonde Slytherin. With a sigh, he awaked the man. As the green flames of the floo swallowed him, he heard Malfoy shouting bloody murder.

* * *

_A Malfoy always have the best._

The potion master was in the middle of brewing a complex potion when the door to his lab was thrown open, causing his hand to slip and drop the wrong herb into the cauldron. He grimaced before taking his wand and vanishing the content. Another potion ruined. He didn't even need to look to know who the intruder was.

"Severus!" cried the silver-eyed man who barged into the lab. "I am a father!" The statement was accentuated by an accompanying wail.

Snape turned around to see Lucius striding into the room with a baby in his arms. He suppressed a shudder. The Malfoys spawned…

"Congratulations," he said politely.

"Isn't my heir cute?" Lucius grinned broadly before handing the baby to Severus. "Here, you can have the honor of holding him."

Severus almost dropped the wailing bundle as the baby from dropped into his arms. The little monster screamed and wiggled in his hold. He could not do anything but nod.

"His name is Draco." Lucius said proudly. "And I named you his godfather. You should rejoice."

The potion master almost dropped the baby for real. "What?! But…Why?"

"Because you are the best potion master in the wizardry world." Lucius said in a matter of fact. "Malfoys always have the best."

Severus looked down at the crying baby in his arms. The boy was trouble with a capitalized T. But before he could refuse, Lucius reached over the plucked the baby from his hands.

"Well then, I will head back to the Manor. Come visit sometimes." With that, the Malfoy Lord left with his Heir as quickly as they arrived.

Severus could only cover his eyes with his hand. It looked like he would never be free from those blonde Malfoys. He prayed that the Malfoys would be out of his life soon…but he knew better.

Somewhere, Fate was laughing at him.

Once a Malfoy, always a Malfoy. Snape should have stayed far, far away from the lot of them.


End file.
